How to be a Golf Wife (in 3 easy yet forgettable steps)

So you are married to a golfer, eh? He’s a good golfer too you say? I mean…he’s not just an “I’m going to play in league” golfer…he’s a competes in a lot of tournaments & even wins sometimes, golfer? Well here are 3 easy steps on how to be that perfect golf wife that no-one ever sees but him.

  1. Imagine that you’re #1 in his life. Don’t get me wrong, you will certainly be in the top 3; God, Golf, Wife (in that order). You see, the first two will ALWAYS be there. The third? Well hey, we’re all mortal, aren’t we? At some point you’ll be dust (#3) and he’ll still be able to golf (#2) – God (#1) willing until he too becomes dust. So you see, you really shouldn’t aspire to be #1 on the list, rather you accept your #3ness. That being said, be the BEST #3 he’ll ever have (because there’s always a new #3 waiting around the corner).
  2. Don’t assume that people want to talk to you. “Hey! You’re <insert golfers name>’s wife, aren’t you?” Because you’re the fun one so they like to talk to you, right? Probably not. Let’s get something straight; he was given a gift of a talent that not a lot of other people have – and it certainly cannot be bought – so that makes him special. People are drawn to things they can’t have, it’s natural. While you may be an extraordinary human being, anyone can learn to be patient, loving, understanding, good in bed, articulate, funny and…well, you get my point. Just accept that you are <insert golfers name>’s wife and attempt to make your own (non-golf) friends. What? You didn’t think they existed, did you? Well it’s true! I’ve heard there are people who don’t play golf [gasp] – find them! They’re like unicorns! When you do find these unicorns, wait to introduce him to them…like…awhile. Establish your temporary place in their unicorn society. When you do introduce him, they won’t know him so he’ll immediately become <insert your name>’s husband. Yes…enjoy your brief, yet rewarding stays in the unicorn world.
  3. The final step in this process is to never demand more out of him than he can give. Don’t expect him to notice little things; like your hair is now red instead of blonde and 3″ shorter, or that you weren’t wearing underwear when you went out last night. Don’t expect him to do things you’ve never expected him to do before either; like opening doors for you or walking at a pace you can keep up with instead of being 30 yds ahead of you…things that never mattered before but now seem to make all the difference in the world. And for craps sake, don’t expect him to play golf with you! There’s simply not enough hours in the day to work full time, play 36 with the guys (“it’s a game honey, of course I’d want you to play but it’s all guys & there’s money at stake”) and play 9 holes with you. Take up your own hobby…like writing silly blogs.

As you can see, these steps are extremely easy to follow…and will guarantee you earn your place in the GWC (Golf Wives Club). The GWC is like being in a super-secret club. Only other golf wives will understand the challenges you face and the compromises you make. Golf wives tend to stick together & generally have a silent (but strong) bond. Golf kids depend on golf wives to keep their families in tact and functioning. We are resilient and resolved. We cheer our men on when they play well, and ignore them when they don’t (okay, maybe not ignore them…they make it impossible to do that…we just don’t indulge their tantrums).

If these steps seem hard, rest assured you could be well on your way to being an ex-golf wife and he’ll continue on his way to pursuing his #2 love without having to worry about his (now non-existent) #3 love. I would suggest you move on to finding someone who is better suited to your needs…like the cashier at Taco Bell. He needs you…you’ll just have to figure out how to get him to move out of his parents house.

Oh…and as a side note, if you do have kids you are automatically moved down to #4 on the list in step 1 above because kids will outlive both of you, so obviously they rank higher – not to mention that when he can’t golf, he’ll need someone to change his adult diaper so…yah…welcome to the club!

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